Monday, 10 June 2013

Being Sick Sucks Pt. 2

When I feel well vs when I feel sick - two totally opposite polarities in my life. When I feel well, I wake up in the morning feeling bright and raring to go, can't wait to start my day, get at those chores, get outside, call people, participate in life. I can get up, take a shower, wash my dishes, pop in a wash of clothes and go for a nice walk, and feel like a 'normal person', a part of the human world, society. I'm energetic, happy, friendly,bubbling over with the joy of living. I'm interested in everything,I want to do everything, go everywhere, see everyone, just experience life to its fullest.

Unfortunately, this all leads to a lot of running around, staying out too late, doing too much, and then, Wham, the CFS catches up to me. Then I become very weak,extremely fatigued. It becomes a chore to even roll out of bed, by body feeling weighted, achy and sore, my mind cloudy, confused,dim. I sleep for 20 hours at a time, taking all my energy to haul my self to the washroom and back.
Some days I'm able to sit up and read a few hours before collapsing back into oblivion for another 20 hours, other days, I sleep round the clock, like being in a coma, barely conscious of anything around me. I can barely talk, it's hard to get the words out of my mouth, my brain just won't construct a proper sentence and it takes too much energy to move my mouth. Eating falls by the wayside, as do, of course any chores. Dishes pile up, laundry doesn't get done, dust and dirt collect, I run out of milk, egg, bread, juice.

The ferrets get bored and frustrated and wonder where their mother is. This can go on for quite some time, the longest being 3 weeks. Sometimes it's only a day or two. Depending
on my stamina I can be up and going well a day or two, down a day or two, or go quite well for several weeks and be down several weeks. It fluctuates like mad.. When I'm down and out, my whole world shrinks. It becomes just me, my ferrets, my apartment, my trying to cope and get through the bad spell.
I become depressed, frustrated, and angry. I berate my self, my body, for being sick and try to make it do what I want, try to make it WORK right, but the more I push the sicker I get. Then, finally, when I do feel better, have rested enough to satisfy my weird body requirements, I have 10 loads of wash to do, an entire apartment to scrub, desperately needed grocery shopping to do, loads of dishes to wash, ferrets to walk, relatives to visit, phone calls to make, people to catch up on.

And then, of course, after the mad flurry of trying to catch up on everything (which I never do, there just isn't enough time to do it all before I 'crash' again) after being sick, what
happens.....I do too much and end up back in bed! I know the secret is to pace myself, to try to balance my activity, but when I feel well I have a very hard time controlling my activity.
After being isolated, sick and tired I want to get out and live, I want to get ALL my chores done AND see my friends AND go for walks AND....and everything. So on it goes up and down, i'm always searching for the elusive balance of energy that will allow me to function every day at, at least, some fairly consistent level.
The quest continues....
©Allie Brosh
Pic © Allie Brosh

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