Friday, 2 October 2015

New Things

Boy. It's been a long time since I wrote.  Today I'm off to the Environment clinic to see my Dr.  We're going to talk about my IV.' s,  as the last one I had was to strong and make me sick, it was called a myers cocktail with Magnesium, Vit C,  and the B vitamins and seemed to be too much for my system to handle,  so we'll talk about lowering the dose.

Also,  I want to try the fibromyalgia drug, Cymbalta, I hear it's good for pain and energy, and also helps with depression and anxiety,  so it sounds perfect.
I have to go off the drug I'm on now as it altered my heart rhythm making my QT interval too long and posing risk of arrhythmia's. Unfortunately,  as I drop the dose my anxiety  is coming back pretty strong so I have to get on something else fast.

My CFS has not been bad, I'm about 30 on the CFS rating scale. I was like a 10-20 most the summer,  so definitely an improvement. I'll make it out about 2 days a week,  be up 1 or 2 days as long as I'm quiet , like reading,  and sleep (crash about 22 hours) 3 or 4 days a week.  I'm aiming for being up 5 to 6 days a week, but I need a protocol of some type to follow ie pacing strategies, daily short walks, easy stretching, good sleep patterns, mindfulness, the Cymbalta, IV 's, eating top notch foods and avoiding the gluten religiously and milk 90% of the time. Very hard to follow protocol though especially  when I'm depressed/anxious.

So I'm hoping the Cymbalta will help me with that and increase my motivation.
I go to school now, part time,  and I'm really enjoying that, tough it's mind boggling sometimes. It's been since 1996 since I was in school last.

Anyway,  here is the CFS rating scale for others like me out there and anyone interested in general. Enjoy the autumn,  Take care all.

CFS & Fibromyalgia Rating Scale

100   Fully recovered. Normal activity level with no symptoms.
90   Normal activity level with mild symptoms at times.
80   Near normal activity level with some symptoms.
70   Able to work full time but with difficulty. Mostly mild symptoms.
60   Able to do about 6-7 hours of work a day. Mostly mild to moderate symptoms.
50   Able to do about 4-5 hours a day of work or similar activity at home. Daily rests required. Symptoms mostly moderate.
40   Able to leave house every day. Moderate symptoms on average. Able to do about 3-4 hours a day of work or activity like housework, shopping, using computer.
30   Able to leave house several times a week. Moderate to severe symptoms much of the time. Able to do about 2 hours a day of work at home or activity like housework, shopping, using computer.
20   Able to leave house once or twice a week. Moderate to severe symptoms. Able to concentrate for 1 hour or less per day.
10   Mostly bedridden. Severe symptoms.
0   Bedridden constantly. Unable to care for self.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Detox - concurrent disorders program

Detox concurrent disorders program
I attended the program and this time made it 11 days  I  was caught smoking and booted as I also was caught off "ward" 2x in one day. I'd been doing well.  They were reducing my benzodiazepine use (clonazepam ) by replacing it with  decreasing amounts of liquid valium. I was down to 2 daily doses of 7.5 ml valium plus 2 of 15 ml.  I'd started off at 80 ml/day (equivalent  to 4 grams clonazepam ),  so was down to 45 ml/day when I got the boot.
  I was so upset at myself, as I was handling things pretty good and had started daily group, which was really great. 4 days in group and I was really liking the things we were covering, plus we were doing recreation , going for supervised walks, I  had a good roommate and was keeping occupied reading and watching movies and going to night a.a. and n.a. meetings.  All ruined because I couldn't stop smoking.
And I was smoking kinda openly cause I was upset that my roommate skedaddled to go turn tricks and my other friend had gotten the boot the night beforehand, as she was caught canoodling with a new intake and that's an instant ticket out.
So, upset, I left and o.d.'ed on 3000mg seroquel and a 20 grams of clonazepam and ended up in the hospital, catheterized and in observation for 24 hours.   So stupid, I was pretty ashamed of myself and my behavior but it's pretty typical borderline personality shite.
So, I crawled back home and my Dr. put me on 1.5 mg clonazepam as we figured I could withdraw the rest of the way myself and it was a therapeutic dose anyway.
So, I'm still on that, but I haven't abused benzodiazepines, opiates, alcohol or anything since, so I guess something sunk in and at least my time and theirs wasn't totally wasted.  I hope I never have to go to detox ever again. Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

TRY TRY Again – Concurrent Disorder Program


Well, I now have an appointment for an assessment for an inpatient (3-4 weeks) program that provides graduated detox plus groups, activities, recreation, etc. every day, much more structured. I will talk to them and maybe see what that is like, sounds like they keep you pretty busy so you’re not just sitting biding your time but getting coping skills, assertiveness, relapse prevention skills.  it is a concurrent disorders program. Here is a blurb on the philosophy of concurrent disorders programs.

                Concurrent Disorders

Concurrent disorders describes a condition in which a person has both a mental illness and a substance use problem. This term is a general one and refers to a wide range of mental illnesses and addictions. For example, someone with schizophrenia who abuses cannabis has a concurrent disorder, as does an individual who suffers from chronic depression and who is also an alcoholic. Treatment approaches for each case could be quite different.   People with concurrent disorders are frequently misidentified, as diagnosis can be more difficult because one disorder can mimic another. Relapse rates for substance use are higher for people with a concurrent mental disorder, as are the chances that symptoms of mental illness will return for those with a concurrent substance use problem. Depending on the setting, prevalence rates for concurrent disorders have been found to range from 20 to 80 percent. What is known conclusively, however, is that people with mental illness have much higher rates of addiction than people in the general population. Similarly, individuals with an addiction have much higher rates of mental illness than people in the general population. One large US study found that approximately a third of people with a mental or alcohol disorder had a concurrent disorder, and half of the people with drug problems had a mental disorder. A smaller study in Edmonton, Alberta had similar findings. In this study, almost a third of mentally ill individuals also had a substance use problem, almost a third of those with alcohol dependency also had a psychiatric diagnosis, and among illicit drug users, almost half had a mental illness.3  clients have the best success when both problems are addressed at the same time, in a co-ordinated way. The treatment approach usually depends on the type and severity of the person’s problems. A person might receive psychosocial treatments (individual or group therapy) or biological treatments (medications), or often both.
Taken from CAMH

Friday, 30 January 2015

Couldn't Do It

Well, I only lasted 3 days¸ it wasn't the detoxing part it was the place itself. We had one 100 foot hallway we could walk up and down (and up and down, and up… get the idea), no groups or therapy, just sitting and waiting, every hour like a day. I couldn’t cope with being locked up there. So now my clinical social worker, my shrink and my Dr. are going to work together and we will do a slow detox at home. I’m just so damn happy to be out of there, wrong place, wrong time. I see my 3 people Monday so will have more news then. Thank you all for your support.

Sunday, 25 January 2015


Detox off prescription drugs and alcohol

Jan 25 2015
I am going into inpatient detox on Tuesday morning.   They say how long I stay (2 or 3 weeks) will depend on how i cope with withdrawal.  After withdrawal there is a 1 week program on keeping sober which i can attend or they might decide (we together that is) if a 28 day inpatient detox would be helpful.  I'd like to keep an up to date running commentary on my detoxification/withdrawal but we have no use of electronics of any sort, so instead i will journal daily and when I'm allowed back on line I will post these reports, 2 or 3 days worth, or even just 1 day if it was a long entry.  So keep your eyes out!!  Here is a link to all my drugs I take, some are valid medical prescriptions, the ones I abuse and need to detox off of are: K-pins (clonazepam), Serax, Baclofen, Seroquel, Flexeril, Lyrica,and Alcohol.  I was checking all the interactions on a medical site and i will definitely O.D. if i don't stop.  Wish me luck!

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Fooling with Lyrica again

Oct. 21st 10 p.m. Tried 300 mg lyrica tonight at 8 pm.....nada. Ok, things have changed.  It's 8 am the following day and I feel drunk as a skunk - why do skunks get drunk.....from eating fermented fruit....I just pop Lyrica.  The four 75 mg pills were taken pretty much on an empty stomach.  Then I waited and waited and there was no effect. So I figured I just got lucky the first time I did them @ only 150 mg, and flew right away.  However, finally, about 11 pm they started to hit, just a nice, mellow body stone, heavy limbs, nice and relaxed, and yet strangely hyper in a calm way if that makes sense.  I wanted to clean and organize but felt no pressure to do it, more like a happy, buzzy busyness.  I spent time just fiddling around, played some solitaire, timed, on which I did awesome, every thing seemed very clear and easy, very focused on the cards.  Then I decided to try to lay down and just feel the buzz, but I couldht relax ans kept jumping up to drink tea, smoke, play more computer games.  Finally I snuggled up to my man and fell asleep.  I don't remember my dreams, which is unusual, as they are normally vivid and I wake knowing what I dreamed.  Oct.  22nd I woke at 7  am and felt very, very stoned, light headed, giggly, kinda staggering and talking slurry.  I went for a walk in the woods and ended up staggering around just like I was drunk, singing and humming and talking to myself out loud.  Now it's near 8:30a.m. and I just feel nice, sleepy, a bit woozy, coming down now I'm    sure.  No desire to eat,  just to drink coffee and smoke and play on the computer more till I get to sleepy to function, then I'm hoping for a nice long sleep with cool dreams.  Next time I will take the pills early in the evening, maybe around 5 pm, so I can enjoy the full trip without sleeping. PS I also had a 0.5 mg clonazepam at 4 pm, don't know if this affected my high or not.12pm - wow, still stoned, getting a headache, still hyper.4pm exhausted now, getting a bad headache, been on computer since noon.8pm stone gone, nauseaOct. 23rd 12 a.m.  OMG - migraine - never again...right?Oct

Thursday, 2 October 2014

Lovely, lovely Lyrica

So, does anyone else out there get wasted off Lyrica? A very strange side effect! My Dr. prescribed one 75mg twice a day. I was hesitant to take them and they sat in my drawer unused for months. They're for my fibromyalgia pain but also for generalised anxiety disorder. Anyway, I took one yesterday morning and started feeling kinda floaty and dizzy but in a good way. I felt happy and kinda energised. Later, I took my second pill and that's when I started to fly. I was kinda stumbly and slurry but also felt blissful, at peace, like everything was right in the world and I loved everything. I also got starving and ate cheese and milk, I craved them highly, and I'm not supposed to eat them. I also smoked a lot and couldn't sleep, felt kinda hypo manic. So, now I don't know if I should be taking these things on a daily basis, this seems a powerful drug. I can't walk around stoned all the time. Any one else experience this? Does this go away after a bit. Having a day without anxiety sure felt wonderful, its been a long while I felt so good. Comments please,thanks.

Monday, 15 September 2014

Withdrawal part 2

Still fiddling with my psych meds.  I've tried dropping Seroquel to 75 mg from 100 mg a few times now but my anxiety, irritability, panic were too bad.  My dad is ill and quite disabled and I'm trying to help my mom care for him and it's getting very stressful. I've decided I'm going to increase my clonazepam to 0.5mg 3x a day, which is double what I'm on now, but still half of what I was on. I kinda hate to do that because I've been working so dam hard to wean myself off this stuff, but I'm just too stressed.  I will drop it again and eventually go off it entirely when things calm down a bit. 
Then, with the boosted clonazepam, I plan to drop the seroquel to 50 mg, 25 at noon, 25 mg at night, and see if my nerves are ok that way. Then I will try no seroquel, just clonazepam.  If I find I still need a mood stabilizer,  I am going to talk to my Dr. about switching over to topimax. It's an anti-seizure drug that also acts as a mood stabilizer, and unlike Seroquel, most people lose weight while on it, not pack on 35 lbs like most people do on seroquel. I'm eating sugar non stop on this drug, as if I wasn't bad enough to begin with.
So, I'm going to play around a bit and hope I don't totally fuck myself up. Wish me luck and please let me know if you have any experience with topimax. Thanks.

Monday, 28 July 2014

Psychiatric drug withdrawal

as I get older, more things grate on my nerves, I don't know why. I feel like becoming a hermit.

Some of it may have to do with me and my Dr. weaning me off all these stupid psych. drugs I've been on, clonazepam for 5 years, seroquel for 3?  These drugs actually change your brain and how it works, and when you come off them you get rebound symptoms of why they put you on them in the first place but 5x worse.  That's why I can only drop 1/4 tablet (0.25 mg) a month of the clonazepam.  I started at 3 mg, and am now down to 0.75 mg, so that's good but I do get a lot of rebound anxiety. The other drug (quetiapine/seroquel) for mood swings/agitation/racing thoughts, I have reduced from 300 mg at the start of March to 100 mg.  Unfortunately, it's going off the last bits of these drugs that causes the worse withdrawal symptoms.  I don't care, I just want off them.  But it is making me kind of crazy : (