Thursday, 1 September 2016

Some bits of my writing, poems, non-fiction, fiction etc.


​How exquisite it would be to release myself out upon the welcoming ocean,

Drifting on my back, unencumbered,

by clothes, or thought,

Buoyed by the waters, embraced,

the five senses my only companions.

Lick, and taste my crusty, salty, wet lips.

Breathe, and smell salinity, slight tang of fish and seaweed,

Ocean air seeping into my nostrils, infusing my body.

Feel the softened old baby blanket of the waters caressing over my body,

licking across my belly and nipples, tickling the hair between my legs,

under my arms,

Gently cupping my back, legs, head, buttocks.

My hair, languid, spreading out  and mingling with the sea that softly combs through it, like my mother's fingers when I was young.

Faint call of the seabirds,

Low throm of the wind,

The musical swell that accompanies the ever so slight rise and fall,

Ascent and descent of my body,

A low rhythm, almost imperceptible,

Tiny waves creating tiny slaps, as water meets flesh.

And in my vision blue-grey skies, sprawling on and on into infinity,

Sun piercing down through ever changing clouds, warming my moist exposed skin, heat on eyelids, making them sweetly heavy,

And the very sea itself, mimicking the sky, endless, carrying me gently on into eternity.

© 2016

Monday, 29 August 2016


Where is my kith now,
my kin, my kind, my kindred. Scattered,
some lost, some gone.
Whence will they return?
When shall we be again as one?
I await.
© 2016

Friday, 2 October 2015

New Things

Boy. It's been a long time since I wrote.  Today I'm off to the Environment clinic to see my Dr.  We're going to talk about my IV.' s,  as the last one I had was to strong and make me sick, it was called a myers cocktail with Magnesium, Vit C,  and the B vitamins and seemed to be too much for my system to handle,  so we'll talk about lowering the dose.

Also,  I want to try the fibromyalgia drug, Cymbalta, I hear it's good for pain and energy, and also helps with depression and anxiety,  so it sounds perfect.
I have to go off the drug I'm on now as it altered my heart rhythm making my QT interval too long and posing risk of arrhythmia's. Unfortunately,  as I drop the dose my anxiety  is coming back pretty strong so I have to get on something else fast.

My CFS has not been bad, I'm about 30 on the CFS rating scale. I was like a 10-20 most the summer,  so definitely an improvement. I'll make it out about 2 days a week,  be up 1 or 2 days as long as I'm quiet , like reading,  and sleep (crash about 22 hours) 3 or 4 days a week.  I'm aiming for being up 5 to 6 days a week, but I need a protocol of some type to follow ie pacing strategies, daily short walks, easy stretching, good sleep patterns, mindfulness, the Cymbalta, IV 's, eating top notch foods and avoiding the gluten religiously and milk 90% of the time. Very hard to follow protocol though especially  when I'm depressed/anxious.

So I'm hoping the Cymbalta will help me with that and increase my motivation.
I go to school now, part time,  and I'm really enjoying that, tough it's mind boggling sometimes. It's been since 1996 since I was in school last.

Anyway,  here is the CFS rating scale for others like me out there and anyone interested in general. Enjoy the autumn,  Take care all.

CFS & Fibromyalgia Rating Scale

100   Fully recovered. Normal activity level with no symptoms.
90   Normal activity level with mild symptoms at times.
80   Near normal activity level with some symptoms.
70   Able to work full time but with difficulty. Mostly mild symptoms.
60   Able to do about 6-7 hours of work a day. Mostly mild to moderate symptoms.
50   Able to do about 4-5 hours a day of work or similar activity at home. Daily rests required. Symptoms mostly moderate.
40   Able to leave house every day. Moderate symptoms on average. Able to do about 3-4 hours a day of work or activity like housework, shopping, using computer.
30   Able to leave house several times a week. Moderate to severe symptoms much of the time. Able to do about 2 hours a day of work at home or activity like housework, shopping, using computer.
20   Able to leave house once or twice a week. Moderate to severe symptoms. Able to concentrate for 1 hour or less per day.
10   Mostly bedridden. Severe symptoms.
0   Bedridden constantly. Unable to care for self.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Detox - concurrent disorders program

Detox concurrent disorders program
I attended the program and this time made it 11 days  I  was caught smoking and booted as I also was caught off "ward" 2x in one day. I'd been doing well.  They were reducing my benzodiazepine use (clonazepam ) by replacing it with  decreasing amounts of liquid valium. I was down to 2 daily doses of 7.5 ml valium plus 2 of 15 ml.  I'd started off at 80 ml/day (equivalent  to 4 grams clonazepam ),  so was down to 45 ml/day when I got the boot.
  I was so upset at myself, as I was handling things pretty good and had started daily group, which was really great. 4 days in group and I was really liking the things we were covering, plus we were doing recreation , going for supervised walks, I  had a good roommate and was keeping occupied reading and watching movies and going to night a.a. and n.a. meetings.  All ruined because I couldn't stop smoking.
And I was smoking kinda openly cause I was upset that my roommate skedaddled to go turn tricks and my other friend had gotten the boot the night beforehand, as she was caught canoodling with a new intake and that's an instant ticket out.
So, upset, I left and o.d.'ed on 3000mg seroquel and a 20 grams of clonazepam and ended up in the hospital, catheterized and in observation for 24 hours.   So stupid, I was pretty ashamed of myself and my behavior but it's pretty typical borderline personality shite.
So, I crawled back home and my Dr. put me on 1.5 mg clonazepam as we figured I could withdraw the rest of the way myself and it was a therapeutic dose anyway.
So, I'm still on that, but I haven't abused benzodiazepines, opiates, alcohol or anything since, so I guess something sunk in and at least my time and theirs wasn't totally wasted.  I hope I never have to go to detox ever again. Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

TRY TRY Again – Concurrent Disorder Program


Well, I now have an appointment for an assessment for an inpatient (3-4 weeks) program that provides graduated detox plus groups, activities, recreation, etc. every day, much more structured. I will talk to them and maybe see what that is like, sounds like they keep you pretty busy so you’re not just sitting biding your time but getting coping skills, assertiveness, relapse prevention skills.  it is a concurrent disorders program. Here is a blurb on the philosophy of concurrent disorders programs.

                Concurrent Disorders

Concurrent disorders describes a condition in which a person has both a mental illness and a substance use problem. This term is a general one and refers to a wide range of mental illnesses and addictions. For example, someone with schizophrenia who abuses cannabis has a concurrent disorder, as does an individual who suffers from chronic depression and who is also an alcoholic. Treatment approaches for each case could be quite different.   People with concurrent disorders are frequently misidentified, as diagnosis can be more difficult because one disorder can mimic another. Relapse rates for substance use are higher for people with a concurrent mental disorder, as are the chances that symptoms of mental illness will return for those with a concurrent substance use problem. Depending on the setting, prevalence rates for concurrent disorders have been found to range from 20 to 80 percent. What is known conclusively, however, is that people with mental illness have much higher rates of addiction than people in the general population. Similarly, individuals with an addiction have much higher rates of mental illness than people in the general population. One large US study found that approximately a third of people with a mental or alcohol disorder had a concurrent disorder, and half of the people with drug problems had a mental disorder. A smaller study in Edmonton, Alberta had similar findings. In this study, almost a third of mentally ill individuals also had a substance use problem, almost a third of those with alcohol dependency also had a psychiatric diagnosis, and among illicit drug users, almost half had a mental illness.3  clients have the best success when both problems are addressed at the same time, in a co-ordinated way. The treatment approach usually depends on the type and severity of the person’s problems. A person might receive psychosocial treatments (individual or group therapy) or biological treatments (medications), or often both.
Taken from CAMH

Friday, 30 January 2015

Couldn't Do It

Well, I only lasted 3 days¸ it wasn't the detoxing part it was the place itself. We had one 100 foot hallway we could walk up and down (and up and down, and up… get the idea), no groups or therapy, just sitting and waiting, every hour like a day. I couldn’t cope with being locked up there. So now my clinical social worker, my shrink and my Dr. are going to work together and we will do a slow detox at home. I’m just so damn happy to be out of there, wrong place, wrong time. I see my 3 people Monday so will have more news then. Thank you all for your support.

Sunday, 25 January 2015


Detox off prescription drugs and alcohol

Jan 25 2015
I am going into inpatient detox on Tuesday morning.   They say how long I stay (2 or 3 weeks) will depend on how i cope with withdrawal.  After withdrawal there is a 1 week program on keeping sober which i can attend or they might decide (we together that is) if a 28 day inpatient detox would be helpful.  I'd like to keep an up to date running commentary on my detoxification/withdrawal but we have no use of electronics of any sort, so instead i will journal daily and when I'm allowed back on line I will post these reports, 2 or 3 days worth, or even just 1 day if it was a long entry.  So keep your eyes out!!  Here is a link to all my drugs I take, some are valid medical prescriptions, the ones I abuse and need to detox off of are: K-pins (clonazepam), Serax, Baclofen, Seroquel, Flexeril, Lyrica,and Alcohol.  I was checking all the interactions on a medical site and i will definitely O.D. if i don't stop.  Wish me luck!

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Fooling with Lyrica again

Oct. 21st 10 p.m. Tried 300 mg lyrica tonight at 8 pm.....nada. Ok, things have changed.  It's 8 am the following day and I feel drunk as a skunk - why do skunks get drunk.....from eating fermented fruit....I just pop Lyrica.  The four 75 mg pills were taken pretty much on an empty stomach.  Then I waited and waited and there was no effect. So I figured I just got lucky the first time I did them @ only 150 mg, and flew right away.  However, finally, about 11 pm they started to hit, just a nice, mellow body stone, heavy limbs, nice and relaxed, and yet strangely hyper in a calm way if that makes sense.  I wanted to clean and organize but felt no pressure to do it, more like a happy, buzzy busyness.  I spent time just fiddling around, played some solitaire, timed, on which I did awesome, every thing seemed very clear and easy, very focused on the cards.  Then I decided to try to lay down and just feel the buzz, but I couldht relax ans kept jumping up to drink tea, smoke, play more computer games.  Finally I snuggled up to my man and fell asleep.  I don't remember my dreams, which is unusual, as they are normally vivid and I wake knowing what I dreamed.  Oct.  22nd I woke at 7  am and felt very, very stoned, light headed, giggly, kinda staggering and talking slurry.  I went for a walk in the woods and ended up staggering around just like I was drunk, singing and humming and talking to myself out loud.  Now it's near 8:30a.m. and I just feel nice, sleepy, a bit woozy, coming down now I'm    sure.  No desire to eat,  just to drink coffee and smoke and play on the computer more till I get to sleepy to function, then I'm hoping for a nice long sleep with cool dreams.  Next time I will take the pills early in the evening, maybe around 5 pm, so I can enjoy the full trip without sleeping. PS I also had a 0.5 mg clonazepam at 4 pm, don't know if this affected my high or not.12pm - wow, still stoned, getting a headache, still hyper.4pm exhausted now, getting a bad headache, been on computer since noon.8pm stone gone, nauseaOct. 23rd 12 a.m.  OMG - migraine - never again...right?Oct