About Me

My photo

An addictive personality who leans toward sugar and prescription drugs to cope with life. I have chronic fatigue syndrome plus some mental disorders such as P.T.S.D, borderline, depression etc. I live day to day best I can.

Saturday, 3 December 2016

So discouraged

I’m not having an easy time lately. My mental health is iffy with a lot of anxiety, for months now, and depression setting in pretty hard this week. I’m in constant pain because of my back and something is going on with my CFS/ME. I’m completely drained and mostly bedridden. Because of this I missed three physiotherapy sessions, plus one of my DBT coping skills classes.

I’m so very, very frustrated .  I have no answers. I just have to try to hold on, rest, get to physiotherapy and class when I’m able, and wait till January 10th to see my psychiatrist for possible solutions to lessen this gnawing anxiety and boost my mood a bit. Having my paxil poop out on me after 10 years has created a real disruption in my mood and trying all these new drugs has been a year long, not to successful trial.

My suicidal idealisation is becoming stronger each day as I feel I’m just too worn out to keep trying. If the thoughts get too strong I’ll have to go to the hospital, but I really don’t even have the motivation to deal with all that shit. Hours and hours waiting and I’m usually told there is no space, so they just increase my meds and tell me to go home. I’m just so tired of it all. I only keep going for my family. I’ll end this on a note of gratitude for them, the support they give me, the love and understanding .

Wednesday, 30 November 2016


I have not been well the last 2 weeks and only managed 3 walks  (6 min) per week. I feel completely drained.  I think it's from the very busy days I have on Thursdays. I go to physiotherapy, have a 2 hour class and drive 1 1/2 hours plus usually run an errand, like picking up my mail, after weeks unattended.

Anyway, I am bedridden 3 day's after, not able to cook or even get enough fluids down me. I feel extremely weak. I don't know if the severe fatigue is from having such a busy day on Thursday or the core building exercises the physiotherapist gave me, or a combination of both.

I HAVE to do the exercises though. My back has been so bad since January, and the pain is not helping my fatigue or overall mood. They would be easy exercises for most, but they are difficult and tiring for me because of my severe deconditioning. I do still do them almost every day, even if it's the only thing I can do.

I'm really worried about this week as I have physiotherapy tomorrow and Thursday plus class. Wish me luck.

Update: missed Tuesday physiotherapy session as too exhausted.  Am becoming increasingly depressed, agitated and anxious.  I have no motivation and barely care about anything. I don't see my psychiatrist till mid January. I don't know if this is S.A.D, my my dad's recent death or medication related. Sucks.

Wednesday, 16 November 2016


My CFS has left me so deconditioned.  I need to reverse this as I'm getting older and need to be as strong as possible for the journey ahead. I figure it might prevent some of the many problems that come with old age, especially loss of muscle mass. I'm hoping it will also improve my balance so I don't end up falling, breaking a hip, and then in a nursing home.
I'm 50 but I desperately need to improve my overall physical condition now, no matter how long it takes, so I can have a better quality of life as I age. If I walk daily, and keep adding a minute a week, in one year, hopefully, I'll be able to walk an hour a day. Then maybe I'll add in some gentle strength training or tai chi etc. I just hope my body cooperates with me.

Pacing with CFS

Pacing is so hard. I only know to well. I spent my  first 5  years with CFS  driving myself beyond even what a healthy person would.  I was in complete  denial and thought the more I forced myself that it would go away. Of course, it just became worse and worse and make my CFS chronic and severely ingrained.
   Since then I struggle heavily with trying to pace myself. I just can't seem to do it. I get really, really overexcited when I'm stimulated in any way, like listening to good, upbeat music, etc.  In company I get so overexcited I wear myself right out and  crash for days and am tired for weeks after. Overactive sympathetic nervous system they say. Kinda a constant  fight or flight thing. Neurons firing in a frenzy.
   So for me to pace myself I need a very calm, routine, almost hermit like life so that my energy can  stabilize. Once my CFS become stable (my baseline) I can then work on slowly building myself up.
   Too bad I have to choose between having a life, going out, visiting, and just having fun, or a quite, lonely, but paced life, where I don't constantly crash. I swing between these two poles all the time.
  I really have to master the pacing strategy before its too late, before I get worse and worse. I find I'm getting worse as I get older. I am becoming weaker, have no endurance, and need to sleep/rest more and more, after doing less and less.
  I guess this means I'll have to lean far to the more lonely side of life for maybe a year.  And also learn to better control and calm my nervous system through meditation, mindfulness etc., which I take classes for.
   Then I can slowly start exposing myself to, and hopefully withstanding, more outside stimulation without it making me crash. Wow. This is a huge long post. Sorry.  Hope it makes sense.

Thursday, 1 September 2016

Some bits of my writing, poems, non-fiction, fiction etc.



​How exquisite it would be to release myself out upon the welcoming ocean,

Drifting on my back, unencumbered,

by clothes, or thought,

Buoyed by the waters, embraced,

the five senses my only companions.

Lick, and taste my crusty, salty, wet lips.

Breathe, and smell salinity, slight tang of fish and seaweed,

Ocean air seeping into my nostrils, infusing my body.

Feel the softened old baby blanket of the waters caressing over my body,

licking across my belly and nipples, tickling the hair between my legs,

under my arms,

Gently cupping my back, legs, head, buttocks.

My hair, languid, spreading out  and mingling with the sea that softly combs through it, like my mother's fingers when I was young.

Faint call of the seabirds,

Low throm of the wind,

The musical swell that accompanies the ever so slight rise and fall,

Ascent and descent of my body,

A low rhythm, almost imperceptible,

Tiny waves creating tiny slaps, as water meets flesh.

And in my vision blue-grey skies, sprawling on and on into infinity,

Sun piercing down through ever changing clouds, warming my moist exposed skin, heat on eyelids, making them sweetly heavy,

And the very sea itself, mimicking the sky, endless, carrying me gently on into eternity.

© 2016

Monday, 29 August 2016


Where is my kith now,
my kin, my kind, my kindred. Scattered,
some lost, some gone.
Whence will they return?
When shall we be again as one?
I await.
© 2016

Friday, 2 October 2015

New Things

Boy. It's been a long time since I wrote.  Today I'm off to the Environment clinic to see my Dr.  We're going to talk about my IV.' s,  as the last one I had was to strong and make me sick, it was called a myers cocktail with Magnesium, Vit C,  and the B vitamins and seemed to be too much for my system to handle,  so we'll talk about lowering the dose.

Also,  I want to try the fibromyalgia drug, Cymbalta, I hear it's good for pain and energy, and also helps with depression and anxiety,  so it sounds perfect.
I have to go off the drug I'm on now as it altered my heart rhythm making my QT interval too long and posing risk of arrhythmia's. Unfortunately,  as I drop the dose my anxiety  is coming back pretty strong so I have to get on something else fast.

My CFS has not been bad, I'm about 30 on the CFS rating scale. I was like a 10-20 most the summer,  so definitely an improvement. I'll make it out about 2 days a week,  be up 1 or 2 days as long as I'm quiet , like reading,  and sleep (crash about 22 hours) 3 or 4 days a week.  I'm aiming for being up 5 to 6 days a week, but I need a protocol of some type to follow ie pacing strategies, daily short walks, easy stretching, good sleep patterns, mindfulness, the Cymbalta, IV 's, eating top notch foods and avoiding the gluten religiously and milk 90% of the time. Very hard to follow protocol though especially  when I'm depressed/anxious.

So I'm hoping the Cymbalta will help me with that and increase my motivation.
I go to school now, part time,  and I'm really enjoying that, tough it's mind boggling sometimes. It's been since 1996 since I was in school last.

Anyway,  here is the CFS rating scale for others like me out there and anyone interested in general. Enjoy the autumn,  Take care all.

CFS & Fibromyalgia Rating Scale

100   Fully recovered. Normal activity level with no symptoms.
90   Normal activity level with mild symptoms at times.
80   Near normal activity level with some symptoms.
70   Able to work full time but with difficulty. Mostly mild symptoms.
60   Able to do about 6-7 hours of work a day. Mostly mild to moderate symptoms.
50   Able to do about 4-5 hours a day of work or similar activity at home. Daily rests required. Symptoms mostly moderate.
40   Able to leave house every day. Moderate symptoms on average. Able to do about 3-4 hours a day of work or activity like housework, shopping, using computer.
30   Able to leave house several times a week. Moderate to severe symptoms much of the time. Able to do about 2 hours a day of work at home or activity like housework, shopping, using computer.
20   Able to leave house once or twice a week. Moderate to severe symptoms. Able to concentrate for 1 hour or less per day.
10   Mostly bedridden. Severe symptoms.
0   Bedridden constantly. Unable to care for self.

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Detox - concurrent disorders program

Detox concurrent disorders program
I attended the program and this time made it 11 days  I  was caught smoking and booted as I also was caught off "ward" 2x in one day. I'd been doing well.  They were reducing my benzodiazepine use (clonazepam ) by replacing it with  decreasing amounts of liquid valium. I was down to 2 daily doses of 7.5 ml valium plus 2 of 15 ml.  I'd started off at 80 ml/day (equivalent  to 4 grams clonazepam ),  so was down to 45 ml/day when I got the boot.
  I was so upset at myself, as I was handling things pretty good and had started daily group, which was really great. 4 days in group and I was really liking the things we were covering, plus we were doing recreation , going for supervised walks, I  had a good roommate and was keeping occupied reading and watching movies and going to night a.a. and n.a. meetings.  All ruined because I couldn't stop smoking.
And I was smoking kinda openly cause I was upset that my roommate skedaddled to go turn tricks and my other friend had gotten the boot the night beforehand, as she was caught canoodling with a new intake and that's an instant ticket out.
So, upset, I left and o.d.'ed on 3000mg seroquel and a 20 grams of clonazepam and ended up in the hospital, catheterized and in observation for 24 hours.   So stupid, I was pretty ashamed of myself and my behavior but it's pretty typical borderline personality shite.
So, I crawled back home and my Dr. put me on 1.5 mg clonazepam as we figured I could withdraw the rest of the way myself and it was a therapeutic dose anyway.
So, I'm still on that, but I haven't abused benzodiazepines, opiates, alcohol or anything since, so I guess something sunk in and at least my time and theirs wasn't totally wasted.  I hope I never have to go to detox ever again. Fingers crossed.